What Happens When Mommy and Daddy Fight
by RainbowRaven
Summary: (Story is...more interesting than description. Please read A.N.) Steve and Tony get into yet another arguement-but when Thor and Bruce see it, they make a bet on who will win this epic verbal battle. Crack... with a plot? I know you want to give it a try. Just a funny one-shot. Rated T for a bit of sexy themes. Couples hinted.


"Listen, Gramps! Just because I like to watch my TV in color doesn't mean you can baby me." The furious man yelled; face flushing pink with bottled frustration. Tony Stark stared at his rival for the time being, Steve Rogers, and desperately tried to appear intimidating. Though it was futile due to his shortness compared the muscular, blonde man.

Steve sighed, exasperated. This whole incident was caused by yet another reckless act from the iron maiden standing before him. It was during battle, and, yes, Steve wasn't going to deny the fact that Tony's ludicrous act of "bravery" saved their lives, but nevertheless it was thoughtless and could have gotten him killed.

Steve was not looking for a fight. Yet, trying to confront the shorter male always seemed to result in one. Though, he couldn't imagine as to why.

"I am not trying to "baby" you-but we are a team, and we cannot function without a great aspect here, being a loyal part of this indestructible system. We simply can't lose you." Then, as an afterthought, Steve added, "But, you _were _acting a bit like a child."

Tony huffed, obviously not taking Steve's meager excuse of an explanation. He squared his shoulders, desperately trying to appear taller than he really was.

_Damn him and his artificially enhanced muscles! _

"Oh?" Tony began, bitterness dripping from his words like venom. "You have the audacity to call _me_ a child? That's funny, since you're still pining over a women you kissed _once_-surprisingly enough-and who died many, many years ago. And-"

"Enough!" Steve's voice boomed. A flicker of pain flashed across his stoic complexion. If Tony hadn't known him well enough, he wouldn't have caught it. Perhaps it was an illusion of Tony's imagination. He highly doubted it.

Continuing, Steve growled, "That is none of your business, you-you short, old fart!"

Tony was unsure whether to smirk at Steve's insult or to finally swing him fist back and slam it into his set jaw.

"If we are getting into relationship issues, you can't even "do the do" with Mr. Gamma Radiation without a green "you-know-what" expanding in your "you-know-where"!" Steve's hardened chest heaved with heavy breaths, praying that crimson wasn't daring to creep into his own cheeks.

He did feel quite awkward talking of sexual…uhm, things.

Tony was surprised to feel subtly taken aback, if not the slightest bit flabbergasted. He felt the foreign sting of warmth wafting into his cheeks. How he loathed that feeling of heat bleeding through every pore due to idiotic embarrassment.

"At least I can get the "you-know-what" in my "you-know-where". Thor won't even be your "Asguardian", if you catch my drift, Stripes." He promptly retorted, seeing Steve's obvious discomfort and feeding from it like a leech. He took in the blonde's shifting demeanor as he tried to regain his composer.

"This may sound a bit odd to you considering you've been selling your backside ever since you leaned how," He slowly began, choosing his words very carefully, "but I'm actually preserving my virtue."

Despite the kick to the balls, Tony wanted to snort.

_The guy can't even say "virginity"._

"Unlike you," He went on without pause.

"I'm not some man whore-ish harlot who sleeps with every living organism."

Tony leisurely brought his fingers up to his temples. Listening to Grandpa's little insults always left him trotting to his room with a headache pounding against his skull.

"You know what?" He said through a sigh. "The only thing I deciphered from that was the fact that you're an eighty year old virgin."

Steve's cerulean eyes widened slightly, and he shook his head as if that would knock the words Tony had spoken right out of the air. He wanted, just for once, to be the child. Perhaps, for a miniscule moment, to throw a bit of a tantrum, stomp his foot, and holler until his vocal chords shattered.

But that day was not today.

"That is merely because you only hear what _you_ want! It is not my fault I was basically dead for approximately sixty years. I was saving the glorious life of America the beautiful."

In a hushed tone, he quickly added, "God bless it."

"Oh, my God!" Tony barked in exasperation. "You don't just fight for it you continuously blabber on about it. America is my country too but, you don't see me wearing the flag as a freaking bath robe!"

"It was the only thing I could find!" the Captain cried out in defense. "And-"

(In the TV room)

"My man's going to win." Bruce commented with certainty as he and his teammates watched two of their comrades bickering in the kitchen.

The Asguardian Prince quirked a brow in response. "Not against mine." He firmly stated as he watched his lover wave his arms around in frustration before simply beginning to bang his head against the kitchen counter.

"Want to make a bet?" The scientist queried, gesturing to the squabbling pair before them.

Thor nodded as a smirk began to form onto his features "Indeed. I shall endeavor in your childish game of "the bet". Now, what will it be, oh-angry one?"

Bruce stopped for a moment, deep in thought "Ah! Yes. Alright here's what we'll do…"

(In the kitchen)

"How dare you say that about my mother you bastard!" Our star spangled daddy called out in rage. "You didn't even know her!" He yelled, punctuating his statement by slamming his fist on the marble counter top.

Tony leaned against the wall with a bored expression, letting the Captain rant before stepping up to bat himself. "I'm sure she was an ugly creature from space anyway."

"That makes no sense." Steve groaned loudly, as he ran his fingers through his hair.

"Your mom makes no sense!"

"What is it with you and my dead mother?"He stopped to take a breath as annoyance coursed through his veins. "How could your father be so wonderful when you're just an inconsiderate ass?"

(In the TV area)

"Mommy and Daddy are fighting again I see. How are we not scarred little children?" Clint asked as the fighting escalated before them.

"Mommy and Daddy?" Bruce questioned in unison with the prince.

Natasha stuffed her face with popcorn, entertaining herself with the heated battle taking place in the kitchen. "Should we stop them?" She wondered, gazing at the rest of the team. They exchanged curious glances with one another, each having silent conversations hidden beneath their eyes.

"No," They agreed in harmonized unison. Every Avenger decided that they should work it out amongst themselves. What could possibly go wrong?

(Back to the Kitchen)

Tony barely had time to blink before he hurled himself under the wooden table. A glass cup had been previously chucked mere inches from his head. The iron hero panted, adrenaline suddenly surging through his blood stream. Wow, can Stars and Stripes pack a punch!

"I am incredibly finished with this time wasting, ridiculous nonsense!" Steve shouted, done with Tony's behavior. Especially over something that was entirely the small man's fault! Steve turned, desperate for anything that he could throw that would inflict damage upon his foe's stupid, mocking face.

"Woah, calm your diapers there, Gramps! I say these things to piss you off; not to send you off on a hormonal rampage!" Tony defended, wincing outwardly as a plate shattered into a million pieces as it came into contact with the steel wall in front of it.

"That was my Spider-Man plate…" Tony couldn't help but pout over the loss.

Steve grunted, trying to simmer down, yet the anger continued to boil, to fester and burn an acidic hole in his chest. He clenched his fists until his reddened knuckles whitened. He felt as if he had to constantly keep a level head. He could never break lose- well, it is about to change.

Hoisting up a coffee mug above his disheveled head, Steve breathed deeply to prepare himself for the throw. "Anthony, I-"

"That's enough, don't you think? You are much too infuriated, and that is coming from me." The calm voice made Steve pause, breath hitching in his dried throat. He hadn't realized how parched he was until now.

A firm-though not painful-grip clasped around Steve's thin wrist. "Put the mug down. There's enough to clean as it is." The soothed voice belonged to none other than Bruce Banner, Steve soon discovered as he craned his neck to gaze behind him. The scientist had a genuine serene look on his face, though, Steve silently pondered, perhaps that's always the façade he wears to keep the Hulk at bay. He'd honestly never given it much thought before.

Tony peaked up from under the table, expression softening from seeing Bruce handling his chaotic situation. "You always know how to cool others off, don't you?" He cooed with a wink from his left eye. Bruce either didn't notice, or chose to ignore him. He didn't mind Tony being open about their homosexual relationship, but at times he may still flush.

Steve yanked his arm away forcefully then and slammed down the mug, almost breaking it in the process, though the patriotic hero didn't seem to mind. "If you both excuse me-"

"No!" Came a thundering call from the other room. Thor rushed in, blowing golden locks from his unshaven face. "Who is the winner of this argument? The Angry One and I must know; it is truly imperative."

Bruce pursed his lips but stayed silent for the sake of the ended fight.

Steve opened his mouth to reply that, obviously, he had won considering he had poor Tony hiding for shelter, but a rough arm slapped around his shoulders cut him off.

"It's a tie!" Tony exclaimed, pulling Steve sloppily to his side. "Yes, Stevie here got a tad bit hostile and, alright, I may have felt it necessary to hide-but my comebacks were superb!" Steve felt like a tea kettle about to overflow.

"If I wanted my cum back, I'd wipe it off your fathers-"

"Alright, then," Bruce intervened as his hand slapped onto Steve's open mouth. Quickly pulling it away before Steve had time to salivate on it, he fixed the collar of his immaculate lab coat. "Are we all in agreement that the two of you…" He hesitated, fearing the words.

"…Came to a draw?" He swallowed a sour lump in his throat.

Steve-ever persistent-was about to decline, for obviously he was the winner, but decided to (once again) be the bigger and better man in all aspects and assent to Tony's opinion of their being in a tie.

Tony grinned from ear to ear. "Why do you two want to know? I mean, you never really took much interest in our fights before. Why now?"

Nodding, Steve also felt the need to ask, "Indeed. Is there something the two of you aren't telling us?" The heroes gazed anywhere but their lovers, unsure of how to properly respond.

Taking it upon himself, Bruce muttered through clenched teeth, "Actually, yes. Oh Thunderous One and I may have partaken in a…well, a bet."

Deciding not to be offended Tony raised a single dark brow. "You bet? What was it?"

Thor and Bruce grimly turned towards one another, faces growing solemn.

(Time Skip)

"Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Thunderous Thor and Bruce Almighty, modeling their new clothing line for-"Natasha covered her mouth with both hands, unable to speak around her hysteric fit of laughter. "New clothing line for-"She snorted, "lingerie."

The crowd of eleven; Natasha, Clint, Steve, Tony, Pepper, Coulson, Nick Fury, Jane, Darcy, Eric Selvig, and Loki in the back who happily helped with wardrobe fitting whistled and cheered for the two exotic models to walk on stage.

Eventually they did, and Bruce's face was as red as Thor's cape and underwear. On their feet were miraculously high heels- though Thor's heels only came up to four inches, Bruce's topped off at approximately seven. Yet, the embarrassed scientist seemed to walk better in them than the Asgaurdian prince.

"Come on, Brother-show this mortal who works these heels the best!" Loki enthusiastically cheered from behind the quickly put together stage. This hilarious occurrence was so very worth his merciless journey here. He smirked, holding up a camera he snagged from some girl on the street.

"Odin and Heimdal will most certainly love to see this." He purred.

The first sexy attire they first came out in consisted of fashionable heels, (Thor's cape-he simply would not let it go), lacey panties; red for Thor and green for Bruce. The second showing they came out in the almost the same, but instead of exposing their chiseled chests, corsets covered them. (Thor's was red, with white and blue strings, mainly for his patriotic lover, and Bruce's corset was green with purple strings, mainly because he refused to wear any different colors. Nevertheless, Tony still through a five dollar bill towards him).

After they "strutted their stuff" down the runway a bit, they walked off the stage, Thor still stumbling in his knee-high shoes whilst Bruce found them both comfortable and easy to maneuver around in.

"You know, you've never looked better." Jane quipped, laughing heartily. "You truly are the prince of ASSGUARD." Darcy and Jane erupted in a fit of giggles.

"I must agree," Loki said as he crept out from behind the curtains. "I don't recall you appearing any more attractive than you do now." Chuckling, he added, "And that isn't saying much."

Delved more into the crowd, Tony turned to Steve. "You know," He began innocently, hands clasped behind his back. "If there was any time to lose those eighty years of life without sex-it's now, my friend." He pointed a thumb at the long, blonde haired male in stripper equivalent clothes. Steve's face then resembled a tomato, but he couldn't deny the fact that he agreed.

So, stealthily, Steve and Tony grabbed their boyfriends, and led them away into the dark, alluring bedrooms. That night went well-Steve tossed his virginity out the window as he became a hot mess, and the rest of the Avenger's finally had a relaxing day off riddled with laughter, and two very good looking men.

{A.N. I… I would very much like to apologize for this. It is literally 4:35 in the morning. This is how my friend and I spend our Saturday nights!

Oh, well. No regrets here!

I sincerely hope you all enjoyed, and this is to not be taken seriously. It was simply fun to write, and I've never really written anything that was this, well… _insane_, really. I probably wouldn't have written it, let only actually _posted_ it had it not been for my epic Marvel enthused friend, Renee.

So glad this slumber party happened, amirite?

…No flames please~!}


End file.
